One step ahead, two steps behind

I find myself thinking like a chessplayer (despite not having the patience for chess); always thinking one – or a million – possible steps ahead, my mind churning and churning ’till I exhaust myself. Such a line of thinking has consequences for every decision I make or am about to make – any decision in the future, too. It’s halting and infuriating, to say the least.

I saw this documentary about Bobby Fischer (much debated whether he was an INTP or INTJ) which really freaked me out, because I realized the balance between (mad) genius and self-destruction is so damn fine. I can’t begin to compare myself to Fischer (also given his, in the end, severe mental instabilities), but it gave food for thought to see such a talented man’s quick down spiral.

I know the feeling of being utterly consumed by one’s thoughts and ideas – finding oneself utterly brilliant and everything impossibly interesting – and not letting anyone else influence you. ‘So many things to inspect, so little time and so many weird looks from people!’ As if the brain itself is resisting outer forces as well as being at war with itself. And it’s out of your control. A dangerous cocktail indeed. However irritating and grating it feels to be disturbed in these mad, ingenius thought processes, it is in this critical time you need something or someone to get you down to earth again. In a calmly, respectful and understanding manner, of course. And that rarely happens, unfortunately.

I’ve tried it once or twice; coming dangerously close to a sort of madcap state of being which was both entirely exhilariting and entirely frightening. It may sound like I was on drugs but I have no need for drugs. I have my mind. And I can merely starve my body from its daily sustenances and cycles, then I’ll get delirious. I bet everyone has tried it, intentionally or not. Sleep-deprivation is the best stimulant, actually. Combined with a lack of food and drink, everything becomes hazy and clear at the same time. (Of course, mix in caffeine and I’m off!) The pulse throbbing and blood pumping almost unnaturally in a confused, exhilarated cry – both in jubilee and for help. Like the body’s natural way of drugging itself. And my mind – dear lord, my mind..! It was like a steaming freight train off the rails! The thoughts multiplying and accumulating faster than the fake horcruxes in Bellatrix Lestrange’s Gringotts vault! It was madcap awe-inspiring and scaring! You have no idea the amount of stuff I got done during it! Sounds crazy, right? Though, I would contest that it doesn’t sound nearly as crazy as drugging your body with those truly psychotic, foreign chemicals you normally call ‘drugs’. That’s just barmy! Not that I didn’t get a rush from this and could easily become addicted in some sorts by doing this routine. I definitely have to keep my mind and instinct in a leash.

Unfortunately, when this was happening, I was merely laughed at for being silly by my family (a common occurence) because they think of me more as ‘the nutty professor’ and rarely take me seriously. And I guess that’s healthy enough considering my ego. To be taken down a notch, become less self-important (but then again, at that moment, I feel everything is goddamn important!). Yet, sometimes they lack tact and in this instance it felt highly hurtful and degrading to be teased and ignored. Of course, that curbed my delirious enthusiasm and replaced it with hurt and anger. I went to my room like another sullen child and cursed them all to hell, but eventually I cooled down. I got numb. And so very, very tired. I truly felt the ‘low’ of my ‘high’; the mental hangover sweeping across my entire being, rending me silent inside and out. A strange experience, all in all, indeed. I’ve never done it to such an extreme before and I doubt it will be the last time, but I will have to take care not to be too careless about this use of method. Again: Ingeniusly efficient but not conventionally practical.

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