Pretense, truths and desperation

I’m pinballing. Boy, am I pinballing! Yeah, that’s what I’ll call it. My thesis supervisor just told me I am free to invent my own concepts, so that’s what I’m doing. Inventing a concept for my soddin’ life.

I dart around the map of society and within myself. Rapidly and in slow motion, with baited breath and raising heart. Basing my life on luck, unluck, chances and coincidences.

Truth is, for all my contradictory behavior – the ‘fake’ modesty, unhealthy, indecisive fluctation between self-pity and world sympathy, fishing for compliments (really, not really) and not being good at taking them, being blunt and egging people on for comebacks – it all comes down to wanting a challenge. An almost desperate need for someone to contest and defy me, challenge my opinions and pretense, see through my bullshit. In a constructive way, of course. But oh, don’t we all? It’s terribly cliché (maybe even romantic in some twisted way?), but that doesn’t make it any less true, after all. ‘Then stop the pretense’, you might say. Well, I do. Or rather, I mix it up with raw honesty inbetween. Hiding less of myself. Calling out my own bullshit since no one else does, though it may look like self-pity more than self-honesty. I see and even call out others’ bullshit. Teasingly with a hint of goodwill. After all, I want people to find insight through their own doings and flaws (with a bit of help). God, that sounds awfully self-righteous and like I have some sort of god complex, doesn’t it? Am I too Gandalf/Dumbledore, right now? Perhaps. But then again, someone has to play them when it’s role-playing season, right? Not that I actually play them or participate in the whole live action role-playing thing with foam swords and fake elf ears or – oh, sod it, just take the analogy or leave it, will ya!

Where I was going with this again?

Oh, right. I was pinballing.

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