Two-faced, inside and out

Has one side of me stopped caring?

In some ways, I’ve become less sensitive to others’ opinions of me. I’ve stopped questioning the legitimacy of my feelings when around people.

After all, the always brassy, admirable Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.”

Maybe it has something to do with my temper; it tends to overrun my super-ego telling me to be polite and understanding. But I also think I’m beginning to know what I feel when I feel it and that that must be true for me and the current situation I’m in. I won’t apologize for feeling what I feel – unless it is in a moment of stress, then I know I tend to say and do things in the heat of the moment that I don’t mean. I’m getting better at registering those moments and apologize for them (often beforehand in a half-joking, self-deprecating way).

Maybe it’s because I feel people aren’t very sensitive or hardly seem to care about my feelings. Yeah, I know, ‘me, me, me,’ again, but I’m merely trying to understand why or how I’ve become this person; paradoxically, feeling more whole as well as polarized within. I know I may not outwardly show or voice my feelings in situations as expected, but I know I show them in so many others – perhaps where other people don’t notice it. I know I’m good at playing it off like it’s nothing so I guess it’s mostly my own fault and that most people just shrug and think ‘Well, if she says she doesn’t feel so, maybe she doesn’t’. Few good friends and family members have, however, once or twice noticed and commented on it, but I still tend to keep my guards up and play it off even then and, of course, those otherwise caring people think I just want to be left alone when I, deep down, really don’t.

People just have to keep on digging if they want the truth – though I also squirm uncomfortable if so – or I just have to take my guards down a bit more often.

But I suck at talking about my emotions and what I feel about other people! It’s just this one thing I’m no good at! Can’t I have that at least? Like, it’s normal to have one major ‘flaw’ in your personality, right?

*sighs*

It’s hypocritical, I know; being so curious about other people yet hating being scrutinized myself. Still, a little scrutiny would help affirm that people actually care. I just have to learn and find a way to meet in the middle. If I want the small bouts of attention I want, I need to learn how to give it myself. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m as much of a scientist as a humanist in my curiousity, but I need to bring out more of the humanist and put away the scientist in this case. Something that doesn’t always come naturally first but something I have to learn and train myself in – probably for the rest of my life.

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