Experience vs. gut feeling

One thing is knowing what you can do; what is doable. And you’ll find you can do almost anything – with a little help and training.

Another thing is what you may or may not be more suited for. What your gut feeling is telling you.

“You won’t know until you’ve tried it.” Well, true. But I’ve also got a gut feeling which (and I don’t want to sound conceited now) seldomly is wrong.

Besides, I like to know that I, at least, know myself that well by now. And I would like others to respect it too, or just listen to what I’m telling them. Not pressuring me to fight what my instinct tells me every time. And yes, sometimes that instinct is based in a small bout of fear and trepidation. And it’s healthy to be challenged at certain times. To be forced to compromise and try things out as long as they are harmless.

However, I know myself to be a bit hypocritical when reviewing this behaviour in others. One the one hand, my philosophy is: What you don’t like, you don’t like, then you shouldn’t do it. I respect that. And, on the other hand: Why so childish and obstinate in trying new things? They won’t hurt you.

The thing is: It’s not so much about whether things will hurt you or not. You are allowed not to like certain things, even small, insignificant things. You do not have to like everything by principle of trying.

Actually I like to be pleasantly surprised about things I expected to turn out differently. But not if I’m not in the right mood. Even my most favorite things I will turn away from if I’m not in the mood. I know for a fact that they’ll turn to ashes in my mouth, figuratively and literally, if I force myself in such instances. And I’ll end up feeling even worse than before, because I didn’t listen to myself or didn’t stick with my gut feeling.

Turning my mood around can be a tricky thing that I’m not even in control of myself. Sometimes it can be the smallest effects, some that I hope for, and, luckily, that happens. At other times, not.

Now that I’ve come to think of it, I may be a rather moody person… Well, most of the time I am very amiable and serene, but if my blood sugar is low or I’m tired or got a headache, I become very moody, but I guess that’s normal for most people…

But I digress.

Reviewing myself, I am split: I can be very harsh and judgmental and see myself as a stubborn child who refuses to do anything it dislikes. And I can be very proud of my own inner compass; of letting my instinct guide me and of listening to my gut feeling and not do things that is not attune with me.

In the end, I am petulant. About myself and about being petulant. Gaining experience, even through things you don’t like and are anxious about, builds character, after all. You can’t go through life avoiding things you (feel you) dislike without even having tried them first.

Still, I am not sure I want to harden myself through experience. I want to build character even though I already find myself having a rather firm character core.

Maybe I’m deluding myself? Maybe I’m not as resilient as I think. But on the other hand, I want to retain some softness of character…

*sighs* I’m in two minds about it.

What I do know and what I have tried have proved that I’m already rather adaptable to many situations and types of people (though you should never be okay with abusive attitudes).

However, I have discovered that being naturally adaptable and easy-going can verge on the ‘pleaser’-syndrome, or even be a clever mask you put on that isn’t necessarily someone else than who you are, just a part of you. I’m not fully comfortable being in situations where I have to wholly rely on this mask and never show any other part of myself. Likely my own fault, partly, but certain work environments simply do not require anything other than your servitude, in my opinion, and that’s okay. I’m just not sure I could fully thrive in such environments for longer periods of time.

I only hope this instinctive nature of adaptability (likely thanks to a general INTP trait) will guide me through life when I’m being thrown into new things ahead.

Going with your gut

It’s not easy to go with your gut.

At least, I tell myself I’ve gone with it so far and stubbornly continue to do so.

However, I use it as an excuse in too many situations where I should make a hard decision and compromise, but instead just say that ‘it doesn’t feel right’ and that ‘I choose to go with what my gut tells me’. That ‘it has worked so far’.

On the one hand, one should celebrate such an idealistic, almost romantic notion of ‘following your gut’. On the other hand, it’s quite naive, really. Because life is about making hard choices; you cannot avoid or outrun them.

Though, you could argue – as I did in the beginning here – that going with your gut is a hard choice. Simply because – in a society where everything, including choices, has become too caught up in ‘the risk of it’ – few dare to do so or stand by it.

Or again, it may just be a part of the excuse of not making the other hard choices.

Ugh, I honestly don’t know anymore. Going with your gut certainly isn’t practical or well thought-through. It just … happens. It’s instinct and intuition all wrapped up in one. It’s a survival technique of sorts, I guess. A force to be reckoned with, just like my imagination. And reason so often struggles to intervene. What one should or should not do gets all mixed up in this; an exhausting, 24/7 internal battle of what is the best way to go about it, so, in the end, you just give up and decide to go with the flow – thus go with whatever instinctive feeling that flows through your gut. It makes life less structured, less predictable, and from the looks of it rather privileged and almost hedonistic. But can I really brutally force my reason through and repel what is my instinct – simply in order to have a more planned-out, outwardly pleasing life?

No, I don’t want to. I feel like I must do what I feel is right and yet, I’m perpetually conflicted about it.

It is not easy to stand alone in this, but, in the end, I don’t think I can ever turn off my gut feeling.